Notes...

Yesterday, a Belgian guy asked me where I was from, I said VN, and he told me he would like to go there because he heard it's a beautiful country, however is afraid of pickpockets...I got pissed when he said that, told him there is no need to go any further, there are already plenty here in his country.

Yeah, friends who know me will also know that I complain a lot about how Vn is run, but deep down I think I am a compatriot. I love my country very much, so much that I feel ashamed when a country of 80 millions people can't afford to give scholarship to students to study abroad, we ask help from other countries, and therefore we are being insulted, treated like unwanted animals. I love my country so much that I get upset when I see we don't learn good things from other countries but bad things. Look how many Vietnamese girls who were born here, they wear jeans or pants like rappers, prevail their underwears... That is not our girls, Vietnamese girls are not like that. People will say that they were born here, that's why they behave like the kids here, don't speak any VNese, I do not agree. Where are the parents? why not to teach your kids Vnese, proud to be one because whether they want it or not, their skin is still yellow, their eyes are small, they still have to eat rice...

Then, back home, the same, young generation just copy the bad things: drugs, highspeed motorcycles, wearing stupid clothes...I am worried that we are losing our old cultures, values of VNese.

I have always cherished my childhood, I think it was the best time of my life (not that I am unhappy about the way things are now). I spent time with my grandparents, and learnt so much from them. In fact, if I become the person I am today, I can never thank them enough, my dad was not there, and mom was busy with work. In VN, family education is most important, well, I guess in any country it is like that. I think of my grandfather with admiration of the man he was, powerful, has full authority, responsible, but at the same time loving and understanding. I think of my grandmother for being the woman that I want to become, loving, brave, couraged, and above all respect her husband.

I remember the time my grandmother took lessons to learn how to write and read, she really did it, I am so proud of her. At her age, it wasn't easy to learn things, but he learnt fast, and was a good student. In the VN war, we lost everything, and obliged to move to the forest, we had land, I could play with the chicken, rabbits, pigs, ducks..., but then one day grandmother decided to sell everything and moved back to the city, I asked her why, she told me I have to go to scholl, and stayed in the bush would take me nowhere. It is strange the way our brain operates, there are things I could not remember even it was yesterday or a month ago, but there are things I can never forget. I cried every morning when I woke up when I was a child, and grandmom used to get upset because of that, she told me if I kept on crying at the start of the new day, we will never have luck, and no food :-). So, one day I woke up, smiled and told her "look, grandma, today I smile, we will have more money today" :-))

Lately, I have been dreaming about her, I am worried, too worried that every time the phone at home rings, I don't want to take it.

I saw the girls yesterday, they asked me how things are for me...You see, with friends, you can not hide anything, if they know you well, they can read your heart. They just started: "Thao, you are beautiful and smart, why are you doing that to yourself?, are you happy to share a man? you see, we don't see any progress, it is still the same, you still don't know where it leads you to? why taking such a big risk for that man? he said he loved you, slept with you and then what, he also slept with her, and probably telling her that he loves her..." That last bit was hurtful...I didn't say anything, but I felt pain in my chest, it was as if someone squeezed my heart, tears fell down on my face...I didn't know what to say.

People are not in the same circumtance always see things clearer, friends are always too caring to prevent you from hurting yourself. I understand, I don't know why I cry again, maybe because when I look back, it is true that after a long time, not much things have changed...There are no plans, no progress, where am I going?

I am too sensitive lately, I need so much love and attention that one can give. The other day, a friend of mine said his cat would die soon, it made me sad, don't know why. I think of where a dead cat or dead person is? Will there be their spirit around us? Can they see things/people clearer than we do? Will they be there or they will vaporise like air? it is such a strange feeling to not see a person you see everyday, then suddenly, no more...

Women always have their mind believe in what they want, but not what they see. I feel a bit sick today...