Deal breaker in relationship
I probably have to change this blog very soon to relationship subject, and travel plans or else on a real web site. Well, I am working on it.
Not much into writing last couple of days although I have so many things that I need to put down into notes. My damn back still hurts a little, have to take it easy I suppose. Furthermore, my mind is also occupied with jobs, thoughts, people...I am getting so stressed and depressed, I think I will finish pushing people away from me if this situation continues. Days just keep on passing by, and I am suffocated by the emptiness inside me. I have many people tell me they love me and I should feel like I am on the top of the world, but I feel nothing. I function like a robot, wake up, run, checking job sites, send out CVs, calling companies to see if they receive, replying to friends' mail, reading, get out to do usual errands...
I start believing that I can not find a job here or more serious, I can not stay here. I don't speak any of the languages good enough, no specific skills, and although most of the interviews went well, the problem is that I have to find a company that is willing to provide a work permit.
Many thoughts came across my mind through dicussions, events, news, book...A couple of months ago, if someone tells me he will break up with his girlfriend and build a relationship with me, I would be thrilled, happy...but now, I am not sure I want that any longer. Strangly, I want him to not break up, and stay with his girlfriend. It does not matter any more if we will ever be together.
Maybe the job loss has made a bigger impact on how I see things than I thought. What sort of life we want to have together if I have no job? I am willing to give up as I am in no measure, she is a good match for him already.
Maybe the thought of breaking up a happy home, breaking up something great and precious between two people who love each other for a long time, or become officially "the other woman" really freak me out. I probably can not give him a home that he wants to go to...My mind is telling me how upset and angry I am at myself, i wonder how have we got into this situation?
Maybe I am getting more and more frustrated about the whole situation. I am paying less attention to what he does in the weekend, whether he will talk to his girlfriend about us, what his plans are, I feel like knowing all these does not make me happy. There are so many things that I would be so excited to tell him before, I feel inappropriate to talk about them now. I don't know what to talk to him, I don't know what we are. Are we friends who occasionally kiss? Are we just friends who love each other? As if there is a big space or a high wall in front of me that I need to break whenever I want to tell him something.
Someone told me his girlfriend is so jealous, and he can't put up with it any more. That was why he broke up with her. It makes me think how far one can go in loving? is there a limit? And if there is, is the deal breaker different from one to another? I am sure that is the case. For some, probably having to make the choice between mother and wife? for some, it is probably having to deal with cigarrette, for some probably not able to help family, for some probably religion, for some probably the talking too much, laughing too loud, for some probably snorring...I think the deal breaker for me is someone who is stingy, pay too much attention to money, and someone who tells me what to do. I was thinking about lying but I think I can forgive that. Caring too much about money is definitely a real turnoff for me.
Ever wonder what is yours?
Not much into writing last couple of days although I have so many things that I need to put down into notes. My damn back still hurts a little, have to take it easy I suppose. Furthermore, my mind is also occupied with jobs, thoughts, people...I am getting so stressed and depressed, I think I will finish pushing people away from me if this situation continues. Days just keep on passing by, and I am suffocated by the emptiness inside me. I have many people tell me they love me and I should feel like I am on the top of the world, but I feel nothing. I function like a robot, wake up, run, checking job sites, send out CVs, calling companies to see if they receive, replying to friends' mail, reading, get out to do usual errands...
I start believing that I can not find a job here or more serious, I can not stay here. I don't speak any of the languages good enough, no specific skills, and although most of the interviews went well, the problem is that I have to find a company that is willing to provide a work permit.
Many thoughts came across my mind through dicussions, events, news, book...A couple of months ago, if someone tells me he will break up with his girlfriend and build a relationship with me, I would be thrilled, happy...but now, I am not sure I want that any longer. Strangly, I want him to not break up, and stay with his girlfriend. It does not matter any more if we will ever be together.
Maybe the job loss has made a bigger impact on how I see things than I thought. What sort of life we want to have together if I have no job? I am willing to give up as I am in no measure, she is a good match for him already.
Maybe the thought of breaking up a happy home, breaking up something great and precious between two people who love each other for a long time, or become officially "the other woman" really freak me out. I probably can not give him a home that he wants to go to...My mind is telling me how upset and angry I am at myself, i wonder how have we got into this situation?
Maybe I am getting more and more frustrated about the whole situation. I am paying less attention to what he does in the weekend, whether he will talk to his girlfriend about us, what his plans are, I feel like knowing all these does not make me happy. There are so many things that I would be so excited to tell him before, I feel inappropriate to talk about them now. I don't know what to talk to him, I don't know what we are. Are we friends who occasionally kiss? Are we just friends who love each other? As if there is a big space or a high wall in front of me that I need to break whenever I want to tell him something.
Someone told me his girlfriend is so jealous, and he can't put up with it any more. That was why he broke up with her. It makes me think how far one can go in loving? is there a limit? And if there is, is the deal breaker different from one to another? I am sure that is the case. For some, probably having to make the choice between mother and wife? for some, it is probably having to deal with cigarrette, for some probably not able to help family, for some probably religion, for some probably the talking too much, laughing too loud, for some probably snorring...I think the deal breaker for me is someone who is stingy, pay too much attention to money, and someone who tells me what to do. I was thinking about lying but I think I can forgive that. Caring too much about money is definitely a real turnoff for me.
Ever wonder what is yours?
posted by Vagabonder @ 1:19 PM
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