Ugly drawings and my setback

Another thing I spent time on this weekend was to draw...So, I painted many faces, mostly how I saw them in my head. A good way to be sure if you know someone well enough is for me to picture that person in your head and start to draw, well, at least you will know how much you remember of that person. Also when you draw someone, it reminds you of the person they are to you, I think part of their behaviours will also show somehow in the painting...

Anyway, it relaxed me after so much pain and frustrations.

My mind flashed back to the other day when Sofia asked:

"Do you know who else has broken up?"

Me: "Who?"

Sofia: "Lucas and Anu", " since spring btw, look like SHE left him"

Cristine: "See, Thao. I have no good words for the *sshole you are seeing, he does not make you happy"

Sofia: "I understand that it's not easy for him, but as your friends, we don't think it's fair for you to stay there waiting for him to make time for you, if he loves you so much, he should figure out things faster. He always makes excuses to not take any actions, and if he is so weak to do something about it, then he probably is not the guy for you. You need someone who cares, and give you shoulder to recomfort...Well, not our business, but I don't want to see you cry and throw up in the toilet anymore"

Cristine: " He can not expect you to go through with him about the other girl, it's not your problems, you have nothing to do with this mess. Does he tell you how much time does he need?-No, it has been months already, what an *sshole!"

During my stay in the monastery, these were the words that kept on circling in my head. They gave me a lot of pain, I understood that the girls care for me, but at the same time I was upset, i was upset that it sounded so easy for them to pour these painfull words on me, I hated myself for being in such a mess. Every time I think about them, I burried my red eyes in the buddhist bible. The smell of the incents calms me down, I felt as if the Buddha was looking at me, his eyes were also angry, but understanding (well, maybe this was what i wanted to believe).

I remember of how many time I threw up when I first found out he was in a long term relationship with someone else. I cried so many nights, questioned why did he let me falling in love with him while he could have prevented it by telling me the truth. Then, I decided to forgive and thought eventually I would forget about it. But still here I was, praying for lost souls to find their places while mine is also lost somewhere else.

I was in shock about Anu and Lucas, well I guess I was the only one who was shocked, Sofia thought it wasn't so late that it happened...I don't know, I just wondered how strange it is when it comes to love. One day you think that you can hardly live without someone, the other day, it seems like they have vaporised, disappeared from your life. It would not be matter for me whether who leaves whom, I guess it is normal when you realise that there isn't much to hang on, then it is better to go, then stay.

I am so frustrated that we still spend little time together. Well if he loves me much, he probably wants to spend more time with me. I am so frustrated that he is afraid that he destroys her by telling her about us, but can be without one second of hesitation to say no to me.

I want to love and accept consequences, but it seems like I am the only one who really cherish love here. I know I talked about my relationship a lot lately, more than about job, I suppose because i started hoping but maybe I should not.

Tomorrow I promise I will focus on job.