Autumn 2010

The days are getting shorter, and after a few days staying sick in bed, I have fully recovered and been able to take a walk with my mom.

I brought mom to the small lake near where I live, we brought some old slices of bread to give the birds. My mom really likes that. She gives food and talks to them at the same time like a little girl :-0).

The weather in Belgium has become cooler and cooler every day, the wind and the rain just makes you feel like staying in for a warm cup of hot chocolate and a book. Despite that fact, many people go out, drinking beers, shouting at each other in bars because the music is too loud for us to hear others. In my cases, there has been a lot of my favourite Vnese sweets that mom prepares and tea. I guess winter is almost here. People start gathering inside, the evening is dark but now it is even darker. I am content with the solution to stay in ;-), the thought of having to put on clothes, raincoat discourages me. I did go out though but I was still happy to leave early for my home :-0), to find my usual ritual of reading a book, and listening to the rain hitting on the surface of my windows, hearing my own breathing, talking to my cats in bed or asking mom about her love lives :-).

I have just finished a book of David Baldacci, " The whole Truth", it is about perception management. The concept scares me. In this digital age, where you almost are unable to check whether something is true, everything happens on the internet or the info you read can be so easily manipulated. Maybe this is why I have become so undoubtful about everything. It is like you find yourself in a dilema whether you choose to belive or else you are left apart...I am especially sensitive in truth and honesty. I think it is the foundation of our goodness. Only when we try to hide the truth, we seek to hurt others.

"Love without trust is nothing"

30 years old something woman ;-)

I celebrated my 32 birthday last week :-). Although there were a lot of friends, on the top of that, my mom is especially here this time, there was still a small note of loneliness.

Certainly adding a number to your age does not change a lot, in the end it is still a number and whether you look young, old, happy, unhappy, it is not because of your age but your mind. In the modern times, people seem to easily be unhappy. I went to see "Eat, pray, love" last weekend, I am a big fan of the book because I think it is intimate, in the way that the author (Elisabeth Gilbert) describes her quest for self and happiness but seeing the movie, I couldn't help but wander on the possibility that the story itself is depressing. We seem to never be satisfied with what we have, there is a job, there is love, there are friends and family but why sometimes we are unhappy? Why do we have to travel to places like India where the way people live would make us all overwhelmed to find peace? When I say the story is depressing, I am looking at everything around it, it is depressing because the we live in comfort but depressed with our lives, what's about other billions of people who live with garbages? and have no time to think about finding peace or fighting emptiness?

Something to think about, I guess. One of my friends told me that the midlife crisis has been moved to 30 years something for women instead of 40 years :-). Is this why I am feeling so confused at this stage of life? It is like you live but not really. Why is that? Then, the scary answer that haunts me maybe I need to get married and build a family :-). Some of us are good at it, others like me, not really. I wonder what hold me back? There have been proposals, good ones, mind you :-) so what is wrong with me? I am so frightened at the thought of having to be with someone and have a family. The truth is I was raised with the idea that men lie a lot, basically at any occasion that they find and well, I was lied to, a few times. So, I guess my fear is the betrayal in a relationship. That one almost turned me crazy!

Anyway, I still think 30 years something is a beautiful age for a woman. More mature in all types of relationship, when you look at everything, everyone around with a complete different view than when you were 20s. Let's see if I changed my mind when I get to 35 years. Well, at least for me, that's my scary age :-0)