"Catch me if you can"

Two weeks ago, one of my friends asked if I could adopt a canary since she and her partner are moving away. I thought about it, I would love very much to adopt their cute little canary, certainly they wouldn't ask if I was not going to love the bird like they do. However, I had to decline it. The idea of having a living little thing kept in a cage saddens me. If I adopt a bird, I will let it out flying around the house (my cats are friendly ones anyway ;-) and even with that surely it is still not a healthy environment for it. I thought about how terrible one would feel to be trapped in a small space, one must yearn for freedom or else why do we have so many freedom fighters or for human rights?

I am feeling hurtful and the feeling is so great that I could barely find my sleep. I try to get sleep but tears keep coming down. My heart is trapped in the most willing way that one could imagine. I found love but I have obtained its shadow. One I can see clearly but I will never be able to catch. Some words are so powerful that they are like a knife cutting through you and strike into my heart. An undescriptive pain, one you should never know.

I pray for the pain to lessen so I can find strength to continue loving. I pray for my release. I pray to have more love so I could love generously. And for now, I pray that I find peace in my mind so I can find my sleep. Please talk to me and tell me would this all be worth it? Please talk to me and tell me that I am loved the way I have always wanted to be. Please answer me why I am told I am loved but it hurt so much?

Am I ready for this love? One that consumes, one that exhausts, one that makes no demand yet many were asked of.

Will I ever feel love?

The subject of Alienation

This morning it has occurred to me to think about couples who have been living together for a long time. Some of us have been lucky enough to keep the spark. All the excitement of the first dates, the learning about each other's habits, hobbies, the best kisses, the thought of you might never want to live apart from this person...And then, PAFFF, after a few years, we realize maybe that habit that we used to love about our partner become his or her liability, it starts to annoy us and like a ghost, everything negative creeps into the relationship and settles.

Maybe the alienation of affection is the scariest part when love fades. When this happens, you start blaming your partner for every little things that bother you. You start wanting to fall in love, you are thirst of passions, of sparks. Some of us stay in and try to fix it. Some of us still care but not much with love. Some of us stay because we are afraid of changes. I think we start feeling estranged in our relationship, it is easy for us to stray, to be unfaithful to our partners to meet our need to feel love again. Yes, that is selfish but what to do in a relationship when you still certainly care for your partner but passion has just seemly dies? Maybe that is a pathetic way to apology for when you are being unfaithful but we are not perfect human being.

I don't know, I am just trying to see this in all aspects. In this time, our society starts to lose its morality values, we all become selfish and so everything we do has to result into what benefit us directly in many ways. People become so impatient with each other and many times, this has resulted into big tragedy. It is depressing to live in our time and it is surprising how easy we also get depressed these days. I wonder why? Certainly, it has to do with us wanting something more or something we know we lose or something we might never get. We get depressed for anything and almost nothing, maybe what we should do is to be happy with what we have, rather being depressed about what we don't have. It is like in a relationship, how can we be sure that passion in a new relationship won't die? Certainly it is also not an excuse to not making an effort when you know that your relationship is in danger, there are always signs. Effort should come from both, so if your partner has no idea that the fire is dying, maybe time to talk and work things out? unfortunately, there will be time that it is best to free each other so we don't hurt and get hurt. The more we stay unhappy in the relationship, the longer we commit mistakes, hurting other people and ourselves.

Some foods for thought...

20 seconds DARE

Last weekend, I went to see Allegria, one of the famous shows of cirque du soleil. When I was little, the early years where the country first earned its Independence, there was not much shows on TV, many programs were brought to us from Russia or China. The swan lake or many East Europe cartoons or films were shown the whole day. From time to time, we could watch circus program from China, I was so amazed with the Chinese girls who could roll their bodies up as if they had no bones, like snakes. I saw the same thing in cirque du soleil in the weekend, it really brought back a lot of good memories. I even tried to imitate what I saw, like trying to stand on my toes like the ballet dancers in Swan lake or roll my body like the Chinese girls when I was little :-).

If I could choose everything again, I might have followed the art road, becoming a painter or a dancer (not ballet though). My biggest weakness has always been that I get easily bored after a while, I rarely pursuit something till the end, I need constant motivation or encouragement to keep going. However, I can be someone who could absolutely decide something completely crazy in a fraction of minute, seconds of absolutely bravery :-), adventurous is one of the horse traits :-). I watched a movie with Matt Damon recently " We bought a zoo" and it reflected that characteristic of mine very clearly as the main character decided to buy a zoo (yeah, you have to watch the movie!) just like that. This type of craziness often gives me much satisfaction, more often than not it brings me new great friends.

Anyway, spring is here. I have a big project for the house, this year will be the year of transforming! I look forward to my personal library ;-) but that is not a dare. A dare must be that I quit my job and go for a art or some sort of writing studies (hmmm).