Loc An resort

Just came back from the beach yesterday.

There are plenty of resorts opened in VN, so each of them has their own beach. This makes the beach cleaner, and the service is great.

It's really not easy to earn money in VN. People work so hard here, and still they seem to struggle a lot. That makes me less enjoy having fun because I see many people suffer...Well, China is not better but Chinese are anyway not my people, so that makes a difference somehow. Travelling opens our eyes, there are so many people do not have enough food, and children can not go to school. It breaks my heart.

Of course, VN is growing, but it leaves behind many poor people who can not catch up. If you want to have your hair washed, it costs less than 2Eur, and that includes facial massage, and fresh cucumber mask. It is nice to spoil yourself a bit, but when you think of many people who works hard to earn money, you seem to not have fun any more.

Most young people leave school to work, and they are really young, 18-19 of age. Talking about being unlucky ;-(...they are either married or already have chidren in that age... I have seen a lot of children from friends, to be honest, I feel like having a baby tomorrow ;-)

Internet connection seems not to cooperate today, and I am not in the mood in writing long post although I have so many things to write about.

Mom is fine and happy now, I think she was just missing me and my sister a bit ( a lot actually).

Manu wrote a long mail to tell me about their climbing trip, and he seems to be a bit sad in his mail. It is not easy when you break up with someone you love...

Manicure, Pedicure, Massage or else?

I am going to the beach tomorrow for one day, just want to spend some quiet time alone. Mom is not happy, I am worried. The other day she cried when she talked, and I had no idea what was wrong. She didn't want to say anything...I think I also get that from her.

Today she seems to be a bit better, I think she is feeling lonely, and unhappy, sometimes she does not have anybody to talk to. It breaks my heart to see my mom unhappy like this ;-(, I took her to beauty salon today, had her hair done, manicure, pedicure, massage...I want her to be happy.

I want to talk or write a lot to someone to talk about it, but I don't know why I don't feel comfortable to talk about things in my family to him anymore. I guess because I do not want to bother him and that maybe I just want him to be happy and enjoy doing what he wants to do. As said, when you love someone, you don't need to be with them, but just think of them and wish that they are ok and happy with their life.

Otherwise, VN has been great, happy to be home, meeting Nhung to give her Brussels news on VNese mafia, see how her life has been since she moved back, shopping, riding scooter around the city, eating a lot of different sort of noodles (Speciality from the North-PHO, bun rieu, central-Bun bo hue, mi quang, and the south-hu tieu, mi), hundred kinds of desserts...and a lot of guavas, green mangoes MMMM

I am glad that Fox is taking salsa now to show his beautiful arse ;-), Manu is going to Ardennes with Delzoe and Gabor to climb, and takes good care of Ruben's plants...He still asks when I come back, so he can plan a trip to Paris to pick me up, although I think I will say no, don't feel good to let him doing that unless I am not in relationship with anyone? or Do I? ;-)

Changes

Well, I have been quite disappointed about the way the society is nowadays, maybe it doesn't change much, maybe I am the one who change? I know I changed a lot last couple of years, the way I see life, the way I expect from people, the way I want my future to be, the way I see the world, the way I love...

Friends think I do not love my country, but it is not true, I LOVE my country, so much that I expect a lot from it. I love my country but I am open to see its weaknesses, and I am not afraid to admit what is bad, I don't like to hide anything that is rotten, for me it is the way to improve. I guess even for myself, I know I am bad in reading maps, or I do not have a lot of knowledge regarding geography, but I learn by accepting that I do not know.

There is a hierachy in society of VN, meaning when you have a car, you have to have a driver, and the driver can not sit at the same table at you do. I do not like that. When I went with my uncle's friend, who came back to work in VN, married to a woman at my age, he had a driver, and when we stopped to have breakfast, the driver was not allow to come and eat with us...he stayed in the car waiting. My uncle's friend did fishing, there was a guy who put the worm on the hook for him, when he got a fish, the same person would take the fish..basically, he did not have to do ANYTHING. He is also in construction area, and is a connection between foreign companies and VN... of course he is a nice person to me and all because I am the niece of his best friend, and he will do anything to help me if I decide to stay. But it just bothers me about the way of one person is different from the other. Me, being treated differently compare to the Europeans (I mean when I went to townhall for example, there is one for US, and other Europeans, but other countries are in different counter), I understand how one could feel...

Unfortunately, that is not the only case, apparently, it has been like this with ALL people who are rich, and have money. Private drivers, house keepers..are not the same level!! And by mean rich, i mean really rich...They have like million of Euro on their account, I do not want to mention about Vietnamese dong even.

Anyway, this is just one frustration ;-). I asked mom about the cafe, and she told me my friend is expecting me to come back and take care of it. By that she meant he is waiting for me. My youngest uncle and mom told me that he refused to marry a girl that his family wanted him to, and I could be the reason. This is NEW, I think mom and uncle are making silly idea, we have been bestfriends since we were in highschool. Besides, I have never given him any ideas that i am interested in marrying.

I just want to let things go the way it should, I can think of many reasons for a couple not to be together, but if they love each other, they are ready to take any risks, and if the risk is a struggling lifetime, for me I would willingly accept. Well, it is true that when you love someone, you don't have to spend your life with them, you just think of them waking up with the wrong person but at the same time, you think they will finally find happiness, and that is enough. And maybe it is also true what my friend says one person can have many soulmates although I guess there might be no soulmate, just chemical factors that you create around yourself with interest, love, and passion...

Anyway, I am going to check out the DVDs for Fox now, he wants a couple of TV series, Manu also sent me an sms to ask if I am having fun, and he is bored in Brussels without me to talk to. I supposed he would be ok soon.

There are a couple of places where you can climb here, I am going to check them out tomorrow ;-)

Hot Hot Hot!!!!

Well, here I am finally in VN. I am sitting without doing anything but still sweat like hell...

After 14hrs of flight, I arrived in the "international airport" in Saigon yesterday morning. I didn't sleep very well the day before my flight, therefore my head was spinning, I felt a bit sick when I arrived. Malaysia airline was not bad, the girls are pretty although the service was a bit less than what I had expected, food was really not so good. But the flight was smooth.

I met Koyama-san, a Japanese chap in Paris, he was flying back to Osaka, and was studying in Liege, quite an interesting guy. We flew over Germany, Eastern European countries, crossed the airspaces of India, Thailand, then to Kuala Lumpur. On board, I made friend with a Malaysian airhostess (written her name but don't have it here, so she proposed to show me around when I come to Kuala Lumpur), very nice, sweet girl. She asked me "whereabout in France, Belgium is?" and had no idea Saigon is Ho Chi Minh or Saigon is Hanoi? ;-), wonder why she does not know eventhough she flew there and has a chinese-vietnamese friend?

Mom picked me up from airport, weather is super hot!!! Everybody says I lose weight compare to 6 months ago, the neighbours are asking when I am getting married...and grandmom thinks because I climb, so no guys are interested in me ;-0), same old story. Went to a place about 25km from Saigon, took about 40 mins of car drive, very nice, remind me of the bush where I spent one part of my childhood. And I rode my Honda dream (despite mom's disagreement) to go the city, and it was so cool ;-). The rules are:

1. Riding it with your eyes, meaning no stopping at red light, and when there is a roundabout, just continue to go left or right as you wish or go to one way street like other people ;-)
2. Riding it at the speed of other people, not yours ;-), don't avoid pedestrians, they MUST avoid you ;-)
3. enjoy it ;-)

I saw a couple on a Honda, and they were both wearing the polution protection in the SAME design with a little cat, so cheesy i thought. In many places for eating or else, I have been asking the same question "where are the women???" ;-). Do women not need to eat or have fun like the men here?

Apparently, hotel management was a good choice for subject, they are building plenty of resorts near the beaches, and plenty of hotels, so tourism is really booming, and guess what Belgium beer is appreciated, and quite expensive here in Saigon, the normal Vnese drinks mostly Tiger beer, which is tasteless, like drinking tea with a bit of sake ;-). Prices of real estate is rising, and they are enlarging the city itself. The rent rate is about 1000 US dollars (according to a French guy who is going to move to Saigon next year for 3 years, he is desperately looking for apparment, met him on the flight, he is going to Bali to do a report) in a new district that my aunt has invested in an appartment (which they will deliver next June).

VN tourism needs good infrastructure, from the plane, the city is really ugly, look like a big gabage waste...Houses are built according to each person's taste (I am not so proud of the colour they chose for their houses), one house is tall, the other is thin...Most people who invest in real estate in Saigon are VNese from the North, btw.

I am in heaven regarding foods and fruits!!!! Coconut, dragon fruit, duran, longans, papaya...Mangoes are not in season otherwise, can still find them but more expensive than they should be a few months ago. Fishes, and shrimps are cheap anf fresh...I have been eating since 6 am until 11pm. Yesterday, I "destroyed" 2 bowls of noodle soups, speciality of the Centre of VN, Yummy!!!

I missed the ghost festival, it was a few days ago before I came, so no free good vegetarian food in pagoda ;-(, but mom still has to give foods worshipping the ghost, so we will it tomorrow, normally the kids will come to fight for the food ;-), looking forward.

It's good to be home. I have felt very calm the moment I was on the train to Paris to take the flight. It was as if nothing could matter because I would be home. No more worries about unimportant things, no more stresses about what the future will become. And just like that, I am feeling I don't want to be elsewhere than VN (for the first time, btw). Manu has sent me an e-mail to ask if the flight went well...Normally, Brian will give me a call soon, and Mary-Rose is also coming not so later after him...This weekend I might leave for Dalat, Nha Trang depending on how things will be.

It was quite interesting when my little cousin asked me which one is the bad guy when i took her to the War Remnant Museum. Of course, I have to find a good way to explain, but let her know it was my view because I was not born yet, so i was not a perfect person to tell her...Saigon has been changing dramatically the last couple of years, and despite big efforts, the government is now encouraging Vnese who live abroad to come back because to run an economy, I guess we need people which brain, not just someone who is good in flighting in war. Winning a war is different from running an economy of 80 millions of people!!! It's a good sign, I think.

In short, Saigon is still growing in many aspects, number of people who come from other parts of the country, houses, more Honda, Suzuki, more cars, hotter (??), more polluted, more busy...Forget something interesting, maybe I should import Viagra, it seems like it will become a good business because they do not have good one here or if there is, it might be fake!!! I wonder ;-P

...To be continued...

Viet Nam

I am almost ready although there are many little things I have to take care of before I go. So, I have been so busy since this morning, going to the bank, to South Station to pick up my train ticket, meeting Manu and Gabor for lunch to see their climbing pictures from Kazakthans, and gave Manu the key of Ruben's place, so he can take care of the plants.

He asked if I wanted to get a lift to Midi station in the morning, and told me not to forget to write e-mails and send pictures...

When I was on the way back, I met a nice girl from Estonia, she is coming here for "au-pair", and will come back after she finishes to study...So, she was just asking about which school she could learn French...So, I just spend some time to give her addresses, phone number, and since she was lost in the underground, I took her to Art Lois and explained which one she should take..

About the trip, I don't think I will be sticking around Saigon often, will be travelling first in the Central, and then Mekong river. I don't know if I will be going to Hanoi, but I hope I can take my grandmom to her village a bit further than Hanoi as I promised her last time.

Looking forward to the trip although I am quite shocked about news from sister, plus this morning from uncle...God, too much to take in before departure!!!

Fiesta Latina

Steam fished with bean curd..Yummy!!!

Celibataire ou marie?

Bad news: I lost my wallet!

I realised that I didn't have it this morning when I was about to do some errands for my trip. I had to go to the police, had all the necessaries done. Apparently there are a lot of people losing things every day, when I was at the police station, there were three other persons lost the wallets (or someone picked them). They were so stressed and one old lady lost her wallet but there was only money in it, and since she didn't lose her papers, they couldn't do much for her...The police asked questions about the whole situation, and it was kinda cool to be able to say "non, non je suis celibataire" when they asked whether I am single or married :-)

Of course my uncle gave me a hard time on the phone, he can't imagin why that could happen (although I didn't tell him that I was drunk :-)). I don't know why I am so calm about it, well nothing much to do about it, not that I have an accident or something, could have been worse. But I always feel bad about being so drunk, it's a bit irresponsible and when you are drunk, you can easily do things you regret (although that has ever happened to me, especially when it comes to feeling and love, it is better to keep the head clear). Having said that, it doesn't mean that there is no temptation, depending on how we control ourselves and the atmosphere we create around us, I think.

Manu asked me about the drawing, he told me that the drawings are very "abstract" :-) (what he actually meant was bad drawing :-)). He brought a box of chocolate for my mom, I told him I can not accept it but he left it here anyway. Talking about that, I will buy two kg of cherries for my grandmom, she loves them...I hope I could still find them now since the season finished.

I bought two big bottles of Leffe, 1 Duvel, 2 packs of Kriek-Mort Subite (I can wait to translate the name to my uncle :-)) , 2 bottles of champagnes for my uncle in VN, chocolates for neighbours, candies for the kids...House cleaning products for mom (she always tells me to bring them, apparently they are better), the rest mostly from other people who want to send gifts to their families in VN. I don't know how many kg I can bring, still have to check the ticket...Well, if not I just leave chocolates for my sister.

Still have to go buy some more stuffs, and have to go to the commune on Monday to make sure papers are in order...I can already imagin the face of the girl at the bank when she sees me on Monday for my bank card :-)).

I think my stomach is still sick...I was so surprised to see Manu at the door this afternoon, he wanted to check if I am ok. Hmm, he definitely likes me or are there any mixed signals? ::-)

Hangover and sick :-(

I am sitting to write this post with my head spinning, my throat is dry even though I have drunk a lot of water, my stomach is a bit upset...So, basically I will not remember a lot what I am writing :-)

Have not been drunk that serious for a long time! Man, I can hardly remember what happened yesterday...I just knew that we drank a lot of good wines, Pinot Noirs from Chile, finished ice-cream, watched Anaconda...it's still a mess in the living room, and next to me a small plastic bucket for me to puke....I think they left early in the morning or something...

Although I have not puked after the crawling, crying, moarning in the bathroom, practically unble to move my body, and almost stayed asleep in there :-) (yeah, I always behave like a baby when I get drunk)...All the typical symptoms of drunk Thao...not so pleasant but this time noone saw me drunk (or maybe?)...I hope I didn't say or do anything stupid yesterday, I couldn't remember a lot.

Have to go back to bed now, I think it's raining, all my windows are open, but I don't care...

MBA in International Hotel Management

Phew, just finished shopping and cleaning the place a bit, guys are coming over for dinner tonite since the weather is not so good, it's nice to stay in and have them over. Dinner is nem with rice noodles, and watermelon (or cheese cake :-)??) for dessert :-), nothing special.

The weather in Belgium is like a person in love, rainy and then suddenly hot and sunny...Many people complain about it, but I sometimes enjoy it. It likes the weather of VN in rainy season, tropical rain...

Anyway, how long will it take one to decide what he or she wants? I hope it didn't take me long...I decided to do a master in Hotel management. It is funny when I sent my application with my degree, transcript, and personal essay explaining on why I want to do it, what are my motivations...etc. I think about it a lot, I have had a general BBA from Wales university, and I don't think I want to do another general MBA, I want to have a specific subject that I like, so it goes from Finance, Marketing, HR, PR, lobbying, EU institutions...And the list goes on, none of that gives a punch. What I really wanted was to become a chef and have my own restaurant, somthing cool, and a bit arty...But I also don't want just a to be a cook, just cook, I want to travel as well...

So, I found this program, I realised that it is what I want to do or at least this is the next step of my CAREER :-)). The dean replied to me that he would send me all the neccessary papers, and all for academic year 2005-2006, apparently I have a good background and a good student :-) although he will have to tailor made a program for me because of my background, I need some courses related to Hotel studies. Anyway, looking forward to the second year because it will be a 1 year internship...sound like fun!!!

Well, the older you get, you less chance you want to study (pls ignore what I just said :-)), so I am lucky that I am still young. Next year, will be tough because of studying and I will have to find a part time job in the evening to support my "going out" expenses :-), almost broke after tuition.

Manu said to book the train ticket to Paris once, I just need to let him know when I am back, he will come to pick me up in Paris. I don't know if I should do that...it is a bit strange if I let him pick me up in Paris although he said it is ok, he doesn't have to pay gaz since it is a company car, and I am his favourite friend (lately I have been a little confused about this word, don't know what it really means).

Gotta go, still have to fry the nem...long day today...

So now you find a climbing partner and someone who laugh at your jokes? :-)

There is a small butterfly in my appartment, my grandfather used to say butterfly brings happiness :-). I hope this one does (and maybe it will survive Mika and Yoda).

Someone threw away a plant on the street, and it is one of plant that gives flower in the night, and the smell is really good, my grandfather loved the flower when he was still alive. So, I rescued her. I changed the soil, gave her vitamins, and put her in beautiful ceramic pot. I hope she will live. All the plants are healthy, they are getting greener and greener. I am a bit worried now that I am leaving, they might die again :-(, everything needs love...Also, my baby plant gave me a small beautiful violet flower...

Manuel texted me to ask if I have time to have a drink with them tonite. It is funny sometimes why with certain people, you feel such an attraction toward them. Is it because they have a strong charism? is it because they are funny? Is it because they share the same view about life? is it because they are adventurous? is it because they bring such a strong energy when you are around them? Is it because they are different from what you are? more outgoing, cool and have a "I don't care" look but deep down a loving person? Is it because they are new and mysterious? Too many questions, too few answers :-) Maybe it is time to stop asking questions and enjoy life?

Getting very busy because my departure is on Tuesday, and I have not done much for the trip, and there are many stuffs to be taken care of before I go. Sh*t, talking about that, I still have to book my train ticket to Paris!!!

BTW, I am working as volunteer in bars for this Festival Fiesta Latina 2005 on Sunday, they give T-shirt, gift pack, food and drinks, and of course Latinos :-)). It's a cool event, info on Tourism in Latin America, salsa dance contest, concerts..etc.

Click here

Home sweet home

I am going to pay flight ticket today to go home next week or hopefully by end of week. Just need to find someone to take care of Ruben's plants...

I saw Gabor yesterday, he is back from Kazakhtans, apparently he had a lots of fun and interesting adventures :-). He is going to move to Brugges to do his doctorate, and guys want to go see Land of the Dead and maybe a drink this week if I have time. Gosh, I just realise that I start spending a lots of time with Manu, and he flirts a bit through his text messages...Anyway, I told them I am going home, so they ask if my phone will work there..bla bla, Manu joked saying maybe it is fate since he wants to do a South East Asia trip :-)

You probably wonder why such a sudden, but it has been quite some time now that I have this thought. I know sooner or later I will have to take this very sad and painful decision because I love him very much, but this is so wrong time, wrong place, wrong person. I do not want to push him into making any decision about anything. I want him to stay with her, and yet staying here will be too painful and hard for me to handle. I guess the only thing that is holding me here is his love for me. However, like I said, I am getting more and more frustrated every day, and I know as much as he says he loves me, he also loves her.

I have been trying to make him not to worry, but it is too difficult. I am looking for love, the "can't live without each other" love, and I don't think it's here or if it is, I am too late. So I am letting him go.

How is it like for a man to love a woman? I am living in a fantasy, and maybe only movies have good ending...I just need to do one last thing is to tell him how much I love him in person.

...Home sweet home...

Boyfriend or lover? :-)

I have been running from one place to another since early this morning. I forgot my bank card in the machine since Friday, and only notice that when I was about to do shopping :-). So absent minded, I know.

Fox told me that I was getting too superstitious because I told him that I only had bad luck lately :-). Even my phone, it is not working properly, the battery fell out by itself or it just turned off. i noticed that only now when I took it out from my bag. It likes there is a ghost following me, how freaky is that? :-)

Anyway, I thought about the different between boyfriend/girlfriend or lover when I was running this morning.

According to definitions:

Lover means "a person in love, esp a man in love with a woman", "an affectionate or benevolent friend" or "a person with whom one has sexual relations"

Boyfriend means "a male friend", " a frequent or regular companion of the girl or a woman", "a male lover"

So when one said lover, does it say something about love or is it purely a sexual relation? Is it better to say boyfriend or why does it sound so bad when you say "I have a lovvverrr" :-) instead of "I have a boyfriend"?? Is it because lover means something brief, short, and with different people? :-), nothing serious whereas boyfriend as said frequent and regular?

Boyfriend does sound better, don't know why, maybe because it involves the "friend" factor?

Hmm, I really have nothing to think of :-))

Exhaustion

HK Delight was completely full. Me, Sofia, and Fox went to have brunch there, so we ordered dimsums, I took a rice porridge, easy for my stomach. A couple of months ago, when the restaurant was freshly discovered or recommended, it was not so busy, but now, completely full. We were actually kicked out just after finishing our brunch. After we went to Grand Place to have a couple of beers, after 3 glasses of beers, my head was spinning, but me and Fox went to see the new movie of Jackie Chan "New Police stories", not so bad compare to many of his movies in the past.

Luca and Anu's story is really a story for itself! Well, if he is saying that he broke up with her, let it be. Maybe being dumped by an irresponsible asshole is not so bad. I can not believe that that man was having an affair with a drug addicted, got the woman pregnant, then refused to accept the child was his. And now the baby is an orphan because his mom does not have the right to have the baby. This really pisses me off. That's not all, he even transmitted syphilis to Anu (she was in the second stage when she went to doctor) because of his affairs, and gave Anu the BEST reason "because I went to the peep show, and one of the hooker suck it". Anu put up with that. They went to family counsel, but Luca got more and more aggressive, and beat her.

The Island

Of all the movies I have seen recently "Mr and Mrs Smith", "Wedding Crashers", "The Island" has been the most interesting one. I am not saying that the movie was great but the philosophy, the subject that it contains is among many controversial views I am interested in (death penalty is again one of them).

How far are we going to save our lives, to live for ever? Will we create clones to have subtitute organes or babies? I thought it was just one of next stage that we are going to, but it involves many issues, and the most important one is "the clones' right". After all, they are copies of us, another human form. But will we KILL to LIVE?

If the answer is yes, I will definitely against all activities relating to cloning. I rather die than having someone killed, so I can live (whether it is in a vegetative form or else). Aging, sickness, able to conceive or not and dying are natural steps that human has to face once. You will laugh and say I am superstitious but I believe what you get is really because of what you have done. Yes, scientists have gone very far in researching ways to cure diseases, sickness and I agree that cloning is the next big thing but I am not in favour of creating clones to cure or help to have a baby and presume that the clone has no feeling, A PRODUCT, so we can eliminate them afterwards.

Life would not be so exciting for me if I know I do not have to do good to have an easy, non-suffering death or wonder whether I will be able to have a baby or I do not have to die, so maybe I can just be as nasty as I want to.

Well, if that is the case, what happen to the human's heart and love? If we can change our hearts, can we also change love, too? :-))

I fly hier, I fly daar, I fly everiwaar. Goed English, jo? :-)

I think if I could go back to the past, I would really like to become a nudity or portray painter or photographer. Women are beautiful creatures when it comes to this subject.

Well, most of us complain of having to suffer the pain every month when it comes to menstruasion or having to suffer the pain of giving birth to a child (How many women actually curse their husbands when they are in labour, but then ask again if they want to have another child, I am sure most of them will tell you "yes" :-)), however, ask if they would prefer to have a penis, I am sure you will receive answer like "say that again, PPPPlease?".

Women are amazing, they are capable of having multiple orgasms (say who?), capable of faking an orgasm ("hello 911, I am on fire" can really mean "let's get it over with"), capable of calling their ex-boyfriends to let them know that they are getting married (even though their exs do not care?), capable of marrying someone they do not love (but then men do, too no?)...But yet, every one of them has probably a male part deep down inside them. Nowadays, it is not hard to find a woman who actually propose a wedding to a man. Is it weird? Are women desperately want to get married? or is it what we called "equality in gender" or "indiscrimination"? After all, what's wrong with a woman who proposes? Nothing (maybe a lack of romance for those who cares about tradition?).

We probably do not have to wait long for something like "I am not here to ask you to marry me, I am here to ask you not to marry her". The role of men and women are reversed (anyhow who says men should be this and women should be that?-sarcasm), and in this aspect, I think Vietnamese women are UNFORTUNATELY a little bit in advance. I would give up my entire up to study every generation of Vietnamese women, it is a fascinating subject for me. Even though I read many books on women like "Global women", "The good women of China", "Memoirs of a Geisha" or recently "Midnight at the Dragon Cafe", nothing has been so real like stories I have heard from.

Vietnamese women know two words very well since they were born: "sacrifice and endurance". If you have watched two beautiful movies of French-Vietnamese born director Tran Anh Hung entitled " The smell of the Green Papaya" and "Cyclo", you will probably understand what I am saying. With "The smell of green Papaya", he had sucessfully conveyed the image of the Vietnamese women in the French colony time. The husband in the movie came home, stayed a few days, and every time he left the house, all the money was gone with him. The wife was again working hard to earn money to take care of the children and her mother in law. With "Cyclo", he gave us an unchanged image of Vietnamese women after the American war, a poet gangster who lived on the money of his hooker girlfriend. Conclusion? Vietnamese women have been working to feed the Vietnamese men! Is it changed now? Sadly no, they have become an important factor to drive the economy of Vietnam (shall we call it "the non-smoke industry"). Many girls are sold to Taiwan, either they become the sex slaves or labour slaves, working their ass off to have money to help their families. Hence, the economy grows?

Why did I mention "sacrifice and endurance"? "Real" Vietnamese women will not abandon their husbands because they have a tough life, no money. You don't know how long it will take for a Vietnamese women to finally leave her partner/husband even though she get beaten up by him many times, not to mention many adulteries that her husband conducts. Although my mom belongs to a tough type of woman, it did take her a long time to leave my father, and yet he did kneel down to ask for forgiveness and asked her to come back the last time she was at my grandparents' place (eventually couldn't forget her until the day he died), I am happy that she didn't come back to him (I wonder how my life would turn out to be, maybe I am selling peanuts on the street, married early to get away from a violent dad?).

Of course, not all Vietnamese men are bad or all Vietnamese women are saints, but I think most of them deserve men who love and appreciate them for what they do, not the beaten up, not the swearing, not the cheating, not the stealing money...They give up their lives to husbands and children, the "me" in them disappears the day they get married, and from then the "my husband and my child" comes. My cousine got married to a guy who slept with hooker, got sexual transmitted disease, gave it to her, but my aunt (daughter of my grandfather's first wife) convinced her to stay with him because that was how marriage supposed to be. It is like when my aunt puts up with her husband, because it is fate, destiny...

I don't know if I will leave my life with "endurance and sacrifice", but for sure when a man is bored of a woman, the confront with the other woman, the fighting to take him back will not keep him around (and what's for?), maybe let someone free is the also a fate and destiny.

Relationship between a man and a woman is complicated, and for years there are many books that were written on how to decode the love messages of both sex. Is it real to accept someone the way they are in the name of love? is love all that matters? are there soul mates?

Or do we REALLY need to train a man or a woman to guarantee the ever happy marriage? :-)

Deal breaker in relationship

I probably have to change this blog very soon to relationship subject, and travel plans or else on a real web site. Well, I am working on it.

Not much into writing last couple of days although I have so many things that I need to put down into notes. My damn back still hurts a little, have to take it easy I suppose. Furthermore, my mind is also occupied with jobs, thoughts, people...I am getting so stressed and depressed, I think I will finish pushing people away from me if this situation continues. Days just keep on passing by, and I am suffocated by the emptiness inside me. I have many people tell me they love me and I should feel like I am on the top of the world, but I feel nothing. I function like a robot, wake up, run, checking job sites, send out CVs, calling companies to see if they receive, replying to friends' mail, reading, get out to do usual errands...

I start believing that I can not find a job here or more serious, I can not stay here. I don't speak any of the languages good enough, no specific skills, and although most of the interviews went well, the problem is that I have to find a company that is willing to provide a work permit.

Many thoughts came across my mind through dicussions, events, news, book...A couple of months ago, if someone tells me he will break up with his girlfriend and build a relationship with me, I would be thrilled, happy...but now, I am not sure I want that any longer. Strangly, I want him to not break up, and stay with his girlfriend. It does not matter any more if we will ever be together.

Maybe the job loss has made a bigger impact on how I see things than I thought. What sort of life we want to have together if I have no job? I am willing to give up as I am in no measure, she is a good match for him already.

Maybe the thought of breaking up a happy home, breaking up something great and precious between two people who love each other for a long time, or become officially "the other woman" really freak me out. I probably can not give him a home that he wants to go to...My mind is telling me how upset and angry I am at myself, i wonder how have we got into this situation?

Maybe I am getting more and more frustrated about the whole situation. I am paying less attention to what he does in the weekend, whether he will talk to his girlfriend about us, what his plans are, I feel like knowing all these does not make me happy. There are so many things that I would be so excited to tell him before, I feel inappropriate to talk about them now. I don't know what to talk to him, I don't know what we are. Are we friends who occasionally kiss? Are we just friends who love each other? As if there is a big space or a high wall in front of me that I need to break whenever I want to tell him something.

Someone told me his girlfriend is so jealous, and he can't put up with it any more. That was why he broke up with her. It makes me think how far one can go in loving? is there a limit? And if there is, is the deal breaker different from one to another? I am sure that is the case. For some, probably having to make the choice between mother and wife? for some, it is probably having to deal with cigarrette, for some probably not able to help family, for some probably religion, for some probably the talking too much, laughing too loud, for some probably snorring...I think the deal breaker for me is someone who is stingy, pay too much attention to money, and someone who tells me what to do. I was thinking about lying but I think I can forgive that. Caring too much about money is definitely a real turnoff for me.

Ever wonder what is yours?

Football :-)

Eh, tui bay biet la may nuoc o Dong Nam A dang dau tu vo cau thu da banh, coi bo ki nay SEA GAMES chac la Viet Nam khong co hi vong :-)

Nam sau la World Cup o ben Duc, co dua nao tinh di qua Munich de coi khong? Cau thu Viet Nam cua minh be thieu dinh duong chac la khong co co hoi, da vay con nho con lam sao ma chay lai tui no, phai giong nhu may nuoc khac co tien mua cau thu nuoc ngoai cua cau lac bo Real Madrid thi co nhieu co hoi :-)

Click here

"Gentle on my mind"

"Hi miss Vietnam, do you climb tonite?"

Me: "Yes, will be leaving my place around 6pm"

"ok, I will come to pick you up then-sorry I will not ask because you always say no :-)"

Me: "okee, I'll see you in an hour, btw Ruben left for Cuba"

He arrived at 6pm. This morning when I was jogging, I couldn't resist to smile at a thought of him...

"A small baby banana plant for you, before I left you complained your plants were dying"

Me: "Thank you. Actually, I have some plants now, two of which a friend gave me, Mika ate them :-)"

Me: "So, how was Mont Blanc?"

"Good good, we had a lot of fun, not so tough. BTW, do you like sailing?"

Me: " well, it looks cool :-) but I don't know how to swim"

" WHAT??, how come you don't know how to swim, everybody knows :-). Hmm I will teach you how to swim. You miss many things if you don't know how to swim. I will join some friends for sailing in September, wanted to ask if you like to come"

Me: "I know, you are not the first person who tells me I miss many nice things, but don't know I am a bit afraid... once my head is under the water, I get completely panic"

"Don't worry, you will be fine with me :-)), let's go swimming next week. Anyway, free this Saturday? wanna go to marktrock in Leuven?"

Admitted that I have found him kinda cute, but I didn't notice that he was THAT cute :-). His eyes are dark blue, very deep and sincere, nice smile, and what's else? yeah, not so much taller than me, and his text messages are somehow attractive :-))

I wonder what has happened between him and his girlfriend. Don't get any wrong idea here... It is always painful to break up with someone, and they have been together for 6 years. Hmm, relationship...

Okey, no more talking about guys...Interview went good yesterday...I don't know if I have luck this time. I need a job otherwise I will die soon :-(

Midnight at the Dragon Cafe

"Midnight at the Dragon Cafe" is an interesting book. So far, I think if once I decide to write a book, I think my book will probably start in that style. A lot of childhood memories, new experiences in the a foreign country, family oriented, love...Many subjects I would love to write about. I think I also like it because many of the stories the author was telling, I knew, it is similar to what I heard from my mom or grandmom or a group of women in VN talks about everytime they gather in groups. The book is easy to read, and the language is warm, subtle...In short, like it, happy to have it :-)

A friend of mine asked me why I do not like the famous Ho Chi Minh or we, Vietnamese call him "Uncle Ho". I actually have so many reasons to not like the guy apart from that he was not a good leader which was my answer to my friend. He was once my hero though. Unfortunately, when you believe someone is ideal , then suddenly many truth unveiled, you are left disappointed, upset because you have been lied to for such a long time. When you do politics, there are many things that will probably lead you to make decisions that you do not want to make, however, that doesn't mean he or she should pretend to be like a saint. When I read "Becoming Madame Mao", I saw how normal and rotten Mao party was, including the horrible woman who was called Mme Mao. Yet, they are not much different from our GREAT leader. Was he someone who sacrified his life (no wife, no children) for what he believe? Far from that, slept with many women and killed them afterwards, had chidren who are now active in the party. Was he a good poet like we had many great saying and poems we learnt? well, don't ask me this because you might be disappointed from the answer. Was he the one who initiated the revolution against the French? Killed the right man, and took the victory. History is not reliable unless you live it, otherwise do not think that everything is right. It's like many people ask why many Vietnamese leave their country? Nobody wants to be elsewhere than where they were born and grown up. So what do you think? Things are not just as simple as that. Nothing to do with searching for a richer land, better life I can assure you that.

There was a guy asked me if I was from Cochinchine (French name for VN during French occupation of VN-we were one of their colonies), that pissed me off. I told him I was not from that country, I didn't know which country he was talking about. Stupid French guy with his stupid capitalized attitude!

Enough with the peep talk. I am preparing a steam fish for dinner (mmmmm), oops my stomach is calling :-))

Cultural activities

Butterfly dance in Rooster New Year celebration

I bought a DVD of VNese musical show in commemorating 30 years of the VN war, and quite disappointed at it. It is not a DVD of promoting the culture and the beauty of our folk music or typical national musical intruments, and the most important of all is the Vietnamese language to the young generation who were born abroad. We are told to be the descendants of a fairy (our MOTHER) and the dragon (FATHER), but when I watched the DVD, I saw a bunch of kids whose parents try to speak good English, but their Vietnamese is terrible. How can they maintain a cultural activity and teach their kids if even them, they can speak proper Vietnamese? The show was a mix of English songs (why? why? why?), and bring up a stupid Vietnamese-Malaysian reality show star from France on stage who can not speak any Vietnamese and let that girl say that she presents the whole Vietnamese community in Europe really pisses me off.

Although the meaning of each Vietnamese really depends on the intonation and the person to whom we are in conversation with, it is not as difficult as chinese. We are lucky enough to have the alphabetical system, what the children have to learn is the accents. Every accent that we add on a word gives a different meaning. In VN, most people who are in Hanoi speak correct Vietnamese, but in rural parts, people make a lot of mistakes, for instance, in Hai Phong city (where you can take boat to go to Ha Long Bay), they pronounce "n" as "l" and vice-versa. So, when you meet a VNese girl who told you "I nove you" :-), you know she definitely is from Hai Phong. I met many of them here, btw, married to Belgians. And for the info, they are supposed to be the most beautiful girls in VN, but very dangerous. Hai Phong is also a city where the criminal is the highest, and many killers or mafia groups in VN originally from Hai Phong.

The central of VN is famous as being stingy, of course they work very hard, and money is difficult to get from them. Usually both North and South people have little sympathy towards the people from the central. Also their accent is very special and difficult to understand if we don't pay attention to. But I can understand them because living in the Central of VN is very tough, it is a land where you can not plant anything, too hot, during the war, these people were the ones who suffered the most.

Saigon, I am lucky that I was born there and was educated in traditional North family, where delicate, and "rules" were applied. For a woman, at home she has to obey her father (thank god, i didn't have one :-)), when married, obey husband (I don't think I will have one like that either :-)), and when husband passes away, she has to listen to her son. My grandfather was the head of the family, and my grandmom had never said anything against him, I don't know if this was a long suffer or unconditional love, but I could see them caring for each other, was it love? When he was sick, she was the one who stood next to him in the hospital, and when she was sick, he would make rice porridge for her :-). Well, after my grandfather passed away, my uncle is the one who decides everything, eventhough he is not living in VN because he is the oldest son. Of course, sometimes that doesn't work with my aunt, my sister or me :-). Anyway, the people who live in the South are more relax, and friendly compare to rigid Hanoi, probably life is a little bit easier, and they are also more honest, straightforward... Too much that it can become rude.

There is only one VN for me, there is no North or South VN but Republic Socialist of Vietnam. I don't like those who say they are Vietnamese but don't manage to speak the language. One of my friends say that some Asians are like banana-outside yellow but inside white, but there are many sort of bananas, I want to be a banana that yellow both inside and outside.

I have a serioud back pain today, couldn't do much the whole day but stay in bed and read a book. I start feeling abit useless and depressed, I hope it will pass soon. Brian wrote me a mail, he is now in China, and maybe is on schedule to be in Saigon mid Oct. If I am there, it will be nice, otherwise I am sure my friends will take care of him :-). Going to back to bed now, having a serious headache.

Well here are some pictures of Rooster New Year...

Bamboo dance

dan tranh performance

Culture differences and general relationship

I have been replying to so many mails this morning that I think sometimes I write almost the same thing to everybody :-). I have not written to anybody since I left Sony apart from some short mails to colleagues but a real mail to some good friends was just staying in the "pipeline". Talking about writing, today I can't think of another subject less banal than the title at the time being :-). Lately, I have been coincidently falling into discussions (somehow most of them) related to MONEY.

These discussions made me think of how my friends in the West deals with money as opposed to those from home. Take BD party as an example, but before that, I should give a bit of explanation about the notion of BD party in VN. There is a huge difference regarding BD between here and there :-). We don't celebrate BD, well maybe now younger generation is celebrating it, but is is another influence from the West. When I was younger, there was no BD, only people who want to show off organised BD party. Besides, even if my mom wanted to organise BD party for me or my sister, she couldn't, she was busy working to earn money. It was already good enough that we could go to school and attend university. Of course, my sister was luckier, when I left VN, mom organised BD parties for her every year. The first time I had my BD party was the first year in university when my friends organised for me, they came to my place, shopping, cooking, mom didn't have to do anything, i didn't want my mom to cook, and I didn't even know how to make rice. So no party :-)

Whereas here, BD is supposed to be a big celebration, well, it's the day you were born, and for your parents, it is also a big day. Therefore, you do not have to do anything but enjoy.

In VN, the person who has his/her BD has to pay for everything or at least invite everybody a dinner, because people who come bring gifts.

For marriages, guys please close your ears, you don't want to hear this :-)), the guys' family has to organise, and pay the dinner. Btw, parents pay, not the bride or the groom :-). Food has to be good, and you should not forget to invite anybody closed to you. It is a disrespect sign if you do so. But then, there is no importance about the place you organise for the wedding, just having enough food and drinks for everyone.

Now taking an usual dating experience, the guys have to pay from A to Z in VN (no wonder why-women have to pay back later once they get married :-)). When you go out with a friend, one will pay for all, we rarely divide or more extreme we don't just pay for our own drinks. and of course, it will be in turn, and noone is unhappy about that. It is a fair play, guaranteed!!

For me, money is a source that comes and goes, it never stays with you, only friends and family. So, I pay very little attention about it. As long as I am happy, my friends are happy, money is the last thing I care about. If I am broke, I won't go out, and things are just as simple as that. Family, friends first, and then me. They are priceless.

I don't celebrate BD, and re wedding, I want to have a small one (well, if later on I get married :-)) with family and friends, nothing more important than having the right man. Having a big fancy wedding is really just a waste of money. You can have many weddings, but only one real husband. In fact, I think I only want to have a wedding because of my mom and grandmom, it is not good for a Vnese girl to live with someone without a marriage, and I am sure they will be unhappy if I don't have one, otherwise no wedding is even better :-). No party, no speech, no dance on the floor, no cutting cake, too clumsy when it comes to this sort of thing :-). Oops, talking about wedding, my mom's BD is this Friday, have to give her a call, usually my best friend will probably bring her a BD cake, he usually does that.

Lately, I have a lot of flashes back, about childhood, and old memories with friends, dates...

I remember when I passed almost thousands of other students to get into National University in Saigon, SouthEast studies department, the day they announced the result, mom took me to see, and we were looking at the board, I was quite nervous, still remembered how my hands were shaking as my eyes went through the board. "Mom, I think I fail, my name is not on the list"- almost crying of course :-). A woman heard that, she turned to us "oh no, honey the golden board is over there". That board was much smaller (I wonder why they also put a board of those who failed??), and there it was "Pham Thi Thu Thao, total passing grade (of Math, Vietnamese Litterature, and English) 27/30, department Southeast, major China". You can't imagin how overwhelmed my mom was, and I couldn't ride my bike home :-). Mom couldn't wait to tell grandparents, and the next day, my grandmother ordered a whole grilled pig, a big party btw, which none of my friends were present. No no, not that they didn't come, it was because most of the girls were not admitted to university, so I decided not to tell them about the party, i didn't want them to feel bad about me passing, have party, then they had to come to congratulate me. I could have invited the boys, most of them entered engineer or architect department but it could become a serious misunderstanding otherwise. For the record, if you want to have a better future in VN, you better have a university degree otherwise forget it, especially for girls. So, the last year in highschool is very tough, I had to study from 4 in the morning...

Anyway, I think I am homesick...

"No money-communist?"

Communist bro

I cleaned up my old stuffs yesterday, and found some "art pictures" of me :-). It was like "Whow, who is this?", then "WHAT? that can not be me, but it's MEEE" :-). Those pictures must be 3 years old or something, very cool, unfortunately I can't post them, they" are identified as containing adult material" hehehehehe. BTW, also found many cool dresses that I have not worn, many of them are quite nice to tango in...hmm, made me wonder.

Sudhir called yesterday when I was on the way to my climbing club.

"Where are you?"
Me: "On the way to go climbing"
Sudhir: "Where?"
Me: Grrr "in the city"
Sudhir: "what's time will you be back?"
Me: "i don't know"-felt like killing someone
Sudhir: "how come you don't know what time you will finish?"
Me: "are you my father?" -adding with a small laugh, tried to be polite
Sudhir: "maybe we can go out tomorrow then"
Me: "I have plans tomorrow"
Sudhir: "Thursday? we can go for a beer or something around 8.30pm"
Me: "okeee"-gosh, I couldn't say no

I feel a bit bad sometimes for him, but what can I do. I don't want to lose a friend but hmm..., well I hope Sudhir will soon find a girl...


Me: "I think I am becoming a communist, more and more, every day"-in very serious voice.
Uncle: LOL- "Now that you are jobless, have no money, you are a communist, when you have money, you are something else"
me: " yeah, let's put what we both have together, and divide everything equally" hehehehhe
me: "I am a communist" :-)

Man, I feel like writing a big book :-). "Thao, stop dreaming, back to reality, you are jobless, please find a job" :-))

Ugly drawings and my setback

Another thing I spent time on this weekend was to draw...So, I painted many faces, mostly how I saw them in my head. A good way to be sure if you know someone well enough is for me to picture that person in your head and start to draw, well, at least you will know how much you remember of that person. Also when you draw someone, it reminds you of the person they are to you, I think part of their behaviours will also show somehow in the painting...

Anyway, it relaxed me after so much pain and frustrations.

My mind flashed back to the other day when Sofia asked:

"Do you know who else has broken up?"

Me: "Who?"

Sofia: "Lucas and Anu", " since spring btw, look like SHE left him"

Cristine: "See, Thao. I have no good words for the *sshole you are seeing, he does not make you happy"

Sofia: "I understand that it's not easy for him, but as your friends, we don't think it's fair for you to stay there waiting for him to make time for you, if he loves you so much, he should figure out things faster. He always makes excuses to not take any actions, and if he is so weak to do something about it, then he probably is not the guy for you. You need someone who cares, and give you shoulder to recomfort...Well, not our business, but I don't want to see you cry and throw up in the toilet anymore"

Cristine: " He can not expect you to go through with him about the other girl, it's not your problems, you have nothing to do with this mess. Does he tell you how much time does he need?-No, it has been months already, what an *sshole!"

During my stay in the monastery, these were the words that kept on circling in my head. They gave me a lot of pain, I understood that the girls care for me, but at the same time I was upset, i was upset that it sounded so easy for them to pour these painfull words on me, I hated myself for being in such a mess. Every time I think about them, I burried my red eyes in the buddhist bible. The smell of the incents calms me down, I felt as if the Buddha was looking at me, his eyes were also angry, but understanding (well, maybe this was what i wanted to believe).

I remember of how many time I threw up when I first found out he was in a long term relationship with someone else. I cried so many nights, questioned why did he let me falling in love with him while he could have prevented it by telling me the truth. Then, I decided to forgive and thought eventually I would forget about it. But still here I was, praying for lost souls to find their places while mine is also lost somewhere else.

I was in shock about Anu and Lucas, well I guess I was the only one who was shocked, Sofia thought it wasn't so late that it happened...I don't know, I just wondered how strange it is when it comes to love. One day you think that you can hardly live without someone, the other day, it seems like they have vaporised, disappeared from your life. It would not be matter for me whether who leaves whom, I guess it is normal when you realise that there isn't much to hang on, then it is better to go, then stay.

I am so frustrated that we still spend little time together. Well if he loves me much, he probably wants to spend more time with me. I am so frustrated that he is afraid that he destroys her by telling her about us, but can be without one second of hesitation to say no to me.

I want to love and accept consequences, but it seems like I am the only one who really cherish love here. I know I talked about my relationship a lot lately, more than about job, I suppose because i started hoping but maybe I should not.

Tomorrow I promise I will focus on job.

Facing yourself

I came back from the monastery (it is not really a monastery, just a small pagoda that VNese monks and nuns established here in Brussels), stayed there from Saturday morning until now. So, almost three days without phone, TV, nothing but me.

I felt so sick on Friday evening that I thought I should really need a place to give my mind peace. I did a lot of meditation last couple of days, this month is the month where we have to pray for lost soul to find their places. So, lots of prayers as well...

You will probably ask if I find peace at the end. I sat in front of many buddha statues together with the nuns, of course the nuns were keen on whispering their prayers, I tried to concentrate but I couldn't. My brain turned around with many questions... I asked why some people suffer when they fall in love, why is there one country poorer than the other? why is there some people died satisfied, some do not? why I am loved but i still not am happy? Will I be punished for what I did? why some children were born being disable? why is there war? why some people are hunger? why is there sadness in this world?...

Then I heard a voice telling me we suffer when we fall in love because we are incapable of generous loving, of forgiveness, of giving, of being content with what we have, of understanding, of being supportive, of being honest, of being brave to accept what we did wrong and correct it...We often forget that there are always consequences to our actions. We should live respectively without disturbing other people. It is understandable to make mistakes, but we should learn from it, take actions to correct it...

Me, I faced myself. I don't know how many times I feel guilty for the thing I do, there are things I even so embarrased to actually think how on earth I could do that. But please forgive me for my mistakes, I accept the punishment on me later on. The wheel of life continues, everything happens with a meaning, and I think YOU create it. For once, I will let myself love and being loved without restrains, and yes if the price I pay is high, it will be worth it!

Today, I don't ask for forgiveness, but I pray that my furture acts will not hurt many people. And I hope if by chance it hurts someone, please let problems be solved now, so we don't own each other any more.

And you? did you ever face your own conciousness?